As I lay in my bed at night all I can think about is gymnastics and what my next steps will be. My dream to win this year National Championships, to show all the work I have put into overcoming my elbow dislocation and increasing my level of difficulty, shattered in front of me after an injury to my left ankle. I will do anything to go back and erase the past but I know that it is not possible and even though life seems unfair all I have left is the present and the decisions I make moving forward. I lay restless completely overwhelmed by feelings of fear, frustration, disappointment and anger and can’t seem to be capable of feeling the joy and excitement of starting a new chapter of my life. I am not ready to move on from gymnastics. I have just gone through an amazing full recovery from an injury that could have been career ending. I owe it to myself to stay strong and keep fighting for my dreams. But what dreams? Is it, making the National Team, winning a National Championship, or becoming my personal best, which is it? Well I know that if I strive to become the best gymnast I can be (not only in the gym but also in competition) I may have a shot at accomplishing the other two. At this point however, I am running out of time and time itself has become my worst enemy. I have two months of training in North Carolina with Scott, and then I am pushed to move to Cincinnati to begin my MDPhD. Once in Cincinnati, I have the summer to focus on just training. In September I will begin medical school and at that point I will strive to do my best in order to manage elite training and school. That gives me 5 months of full training, which based on my progress from the past 2 years, it is relatively a lot of time to get better, to become the best gymnast I can be and to keep fighting for my dream. And if I am able to maintain my skills while at school I may still be able to make next years Nationals and win. So why am I so overwhelmed?
Perhaps one of the more recurrent question that comes into my head and keeps me from sleeping is- is it worth keep training knowing that the end of my short-lived elite gymnastics career is so close? Or is it better just to quit now before any other injury comes into play? I tend to answer this question positively, by saying that it is worth it, that my biggest regret will be not to have tried until the end. But yet again, what is that end and how do I recognize it? I do not by any means want to be done with gymnastics due to a catastrophic injury (that is my worst nightmare) which will mark an abrupt but clear end. Should moving to Cincinnati be a good ending point, even though I may have a chance to continue training? Should my foot injury and my inability to compete at the National Championships this year be the end? People say to me that I should be done whenever I wish to be done. Well, surprise, as of today March 30th of 2011, I do not wish to be done. I am very proud by my accomplishments thus far, though the fact that I have not been able to compete at my best let along be at my best has left an unfinished business in my gymnastics career. I do not wish to be done until I am able to finish what I started, if given the chance in Cincinnati, I will take it.
So, my rational conclusion for my gymnastics career is to continue training because it is worth fighting for my goals. However, my struggle goes beyond my rationality; in fact it is my irrationality instead what really keeps me awake at night. There is a constant battle between those irrational thoughts and emotions (fear for injury, frustration, etc) against my rational thinking of wanting to succeed. My confidence is wounded by the memories of pain and failure. And at this point, with Nationals being scrap from my map, I feel directionless and empty inside. I walk into the gym and even though I want to keep working hard to get better I find myself easily distracted and overly sensitive to failure. Lately, I have noticed that when I attempt a skill on bars several times and I fail, my mind wonders off disillusioned and fearful thoughts of injury emerge from within. Then the -is it worth it- question pops up and my answer is –no, is not worth it, I just want to give up- I am able to pull myself back from that hole and try again, but I am getting tired and I fear that one of these days I will not be able to. Will that be the end? I cannot let my head wonder in that direction, I need to find a focus and stick to it but everything is easier said than done.
To my own fears and emotions I add the feelings and emotions of my friend and coach Scott. The situation is as devastating and unsettling for him as it is for me. A part of his dreams have also shattered and his love for gymnastics has turned bitter after witnessing the physical and emotional pain of my two latest injuries. He feels guilty and responsible for the injuries and thinks he’s failed as a coach for not getting me to a point to which I can accomplish my goals. But I beg to defer, to me Scott has given me the unique opportunity to enjoy gymnastics, to be in the best shape I have ever been in my life, to dream big and to act and believe on my dreams. He has not failed me; he has done everything within his power to get me to where I am now. We have grown together as a team, we have made mistakes along the way but we both knew from the beginning that we were embarking ourselves in a non-traditional adventure, in something that had never been done before. Together we made the decision of not going to Nationals and together we felt an emptiness and lack of purpose in our journey. We both face uncertainty and feel restless after working so hard and realizing that our efforts were not enough. But the game is not over until is over. Our confidence has been shaken like no other time before and the fact that we are running out of time seems like the best excuse to give up and to not face our fears.
I know I cannot make a decision for Scott, and I know that without a coach I am not a gymnast. I do wish however, that we don’t give up. We can’t give up. It is true that we cannot go back and undo what is done but we have a chance to face our fears, to learn from our mistakes and to move forward. To be better and smarter about our training, to re-think our goals and expectations, to plan ahead and to use time as best as possible without letting “it” become what determines our decisions. My moving to Cincinnati will not be the end of my gymnastics career but it will definitely be the beginning of a new journey without Scott by my side. There are no words to describe the feeling I get every time I think about leaving Scott. It is a mixture of emptiness, despair, fear, sadness, restlessness and frustration. Realizing that I was not going to Nationals this year, pushed us to face the inevitable sooner than we wanted to. We were not mentally prepared to confront our future apart and now all our believes and aspirations have been shaken. But for sanity I most not think of my move to Cincinnati as the end of Scott and Aynara. Endings overwhelm me and distract me from fully embracing the present. We have work to do, we have practices to enjoy, and opportunities to make fun of each other’s accents. We have 2 months to become our personal bests so lets get after it!
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